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Friday, 26 February 2010

  • I'm back, bitch :]]

    so, here i am again, still a fat bitch. wishing i was 10/15/20 pounds lighter. ive decided im going to do these again, bc reading other people's blogs, and looking at thinspo, and reading the "top 75 reasons to starve yourself" honestly made me love myself, and right now, i fucking hate myself.

    i hate looking in the mirror, i hate cancelling plans bc im a fucking fat bitch who cant fit into her pants. ive been seeing this guy who got mono, and at first i was like "omg i dont want mono" , but now i wish i had that shit so i could drop 10 pounds without even trying, shrink my stomach, oh it would be heaven.

    ive been eating vegan on and off for the past few weeks, and i walked 10 miles today, only to finish off a tub of ice cream [it was actually painful, bc i hate ice cream, and i seriously hope i just start to puke it up in the next few hours,/ asap, that would be heaven]

    i fucking hate myself, im back, and ready to start loving myself again the way that used to do it for me, and you know what? i dont give a fuck what anybody else thinks bc bitches are just jealous when im skinnier than them, and hate themselves so much they want to make me fat.

     

    <3333

Friday, 18 December 2009

  • so i havent posted in a while...

    i dont think i will be on this site very much anymore. my weight used to control my life, and it doesnt anymore and it feels great. i used to have to lie to people when they asked if i had already eaten, i had to make up a ficticious meal when they asked what i had. i used to eat every other day, i used to not eat for days at a time. i stopped eating meat to lose weight. i was a workout addict. i stopped eating carbs. my lowest weight was 107 at 5'8. did i look great? hell yeah.

    some people said i was too skinny, but i know i looked amazing, i could fit into anything i wanted, i was sending out my pictures to modeling agencies in hope of getting signed. but it CONTROLLED MY LIFE. 24/7 i was obsessing about my weight/starving. i couldnt think straight. i couldnt think of accomplishing things, i couldnt think of my futue, only the number on the scale...only of sticking my fingers down my throat after i had eaten too much and thanking God my family wasnt home so I could puke it all up...of starving myself days at a time and fantasizing about my next meal.

    My weight doesnt control my life anymore, I don't miss my periods for 8 months at a time. I am now 120, and my body doesnt look anything like it used to, but I'm trying to get my body back without it consuming my life, by eating healthy and exercising. It feels great to have my life back.

    I might be back to update, but I can't read anyone elses posts because it makes me feel like I dont measure up and makes me feel terrible about myself.

     

    Love you girls, stay strong<3

Friday, 04 December 2009

  • every other day

    started eating every other day again. tomorrow will be day 4, and my 2nd day of eating. i still feel like i look like a whale though. i know its def because ive been without laxatives for almost a week, and i actually do need them, or else i wont go to the bathroom for 2 weeks or more. so im hoping once i get them ill drop mad lbs and wont look like a whale anymore.

    im trying to start eating healthier, all the bad food is out of my house now so temptation shouldnt be a factor in not eating healthy. usually it doesnt matter if i eat healthy or not bc i eat every other day anyway, which allows me to eat whatever i want without feeling guilty, but i still think i should.

    ta ta for now.

Tuesday, 01 December 2009

  • blah

    so i went away for a week to that resort,

    ate healthy the first 3 days. and then for some reason i started eating desert because idk why actually.

    so i lost weight while i was there, now im home. trying to eat healthy.

     

    intake today:

    apple with peanut butter- 300?

    country vegetable soup- 300

    caesar salad no croutons- 100

    light n' fit yogurt- 80

     

    780. i actually disgust myself, this is way too much intake. i was going to not eat today, idk why i did. i hate myself. maybe i should weigh myself tomorrow as punishment.

    edit: just threw up the soup bc i felt like a bloated disgusting fat bitch, still look like one, but thats the least i could do. i can squeeze my lovehandles, its fucking disgusting. i need to start eating every other day again. at least my intake for today is now 480

Sunday, 15 November 2009

  • disregard my last entry.

    i cant do this anymore, i cant be a fat pig for any longer, eating everyday just doesnt work for me, and i bloat like a fucking whale whenever i try to be normal and eat everyday, not even a lot, even if its just an apple for the day, i look like i just swallowed the whole ocean. im done, can't do this.

     

    back to eating every other day, it really is the only thing that works.

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bwaterrrrrrrr

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